This latest three and a half month trip had one main objective:  to prepare my mother’s house for sale.    I have wondered how much I would share with you in this blog and decided to leave it to a minimum even though a friend recently suggested I could and should write a book on my experiences.  

My mother already suffering alzheimer’s then suffered delirium after insisting on getting a general anaesthetic for a skin cancer operation last June. I ended up checking her into a nursing home within 24 hours.  Even though Anthony and I spent 2 months last year preparing her home for her eventual return, it was deemed unsafe for her to return with her advanced alzheimer’s disease as she refused any home help. These last 3 months have been spent sorting through a lifetime of memories, clearing her home, getting it repainted then putting it on the market. Within a week, we had a buyer.  Sounds too easy?!

My mother didn’t throw anything out. Nothing. Ever since she was a teenager. And as her alzheimer’s progressed,  things got more and more mixed up.   A slow tedious job was ahead of us. Coming across her letters and notes documenting all her traumatic and unhappy experiences over the past 50 years has been nothing short of soul crushing for me.   I did not read everything.  Did not want to. But I had to read just enough to decide what was important for my sister to see and what had to be destroyed forever as neither my sister or I wanted to hang onto the memories of certain events.  It reminded me of what a brilliant but troubled mind she had.

Everything had to be gone through carefully as I didn’t want to miss precious mementoes or important documents or statements of bank accounts we didn’t know about. Historical photos, letters from famous musicians and authors were all mixed up with official documents, diary notes, book translations, property documents and family letters. And there were books, so many books – most had notes, article cut outs about the author, many were autographed by the author.

Amongst much sorrow, there were happy memories too,  beautiful photos, precious drawings from my grandfather, childhood notes from the three of us as kids and drawings.

My grandfather sent us kids a drawing in every of his weekly letters to my mother:

I found childhood letters from my father’s too and even a lock of hair of his!! And a letter from Maréchal Pétain to my father congratulating him on a drawing my father had sent him in 1940 – I don’t know what the drawing was but this letter is priceless and would have meant so much to him as a 14 year old.

These were fun to go through with my sister.

I came across so many book translations my mother had done over the years which I had no idea about, with correspondence from the authors and publishers.

Our two week-long trips to the west country and Scotland to see family and friends were timed as sanity trips for me.  Anthony was brilliant as always, monitoring my wellbeing and pulling me away for a cup of tea or dinner when I needed a break. Emotions are running raw. How could such a brilliant, but sadly for us all very troubled mind, end up hoarding so much, hanging onto every memory possible to end up not remembering anything and often bearely recognising me. I desperately tried to make sense of it all and make sense of my own emotions. I had heard of the “long goodbye”. I have learnt so much over the past three months!!

Anyway, our project is done now and I am glad we managed to achieve what we set out to do in the timeframe we set ourselves. And I am at peace that we have done all done can for her. We will return even more determined to declutter our own home. We did that after our round the world motorcycle trips but I know we still have so much more to part with.  I used to keep greeting cards from friends and family. No longer. My birthday cards from earlier this month have already been thrown out. Quite a new experience for me!!  (I admit it wasn‘t easy and I will hasten to add that I really appreciate them, I just won’t be hanging onto them forever though). To all of you with kids, declutter now – do not delay any further or your kids will have an awful job trawling through everything!!

Alzheimer’s can be cruel but also kind. After the initial tough months when my mum first moved to the home, she is now the most serene I have ever known her. All that matters is the “right now”.   We visited her as often as possible while we were in the UK to give her those short happy moments of seeing us.   I used to think it was important to give her happy experiences and memories so that she can enjoy those memories in later years but it has all gone.   It is all about the “now” now. It is reassuring to know that my sister and brother-in-law are just down the road from her – they have both been amazing in visiting her on a regular basis.  Giving her those short burst of joy is all we can do. They will continue to visit and I will video call her. I am at peace that I have said all I have wanted to her over the years, have quietly said goodbye to her now and have no regrets.

Last but not least, I am grateful to have such a supportive sister and brother in law. We have gone through so much over a lifetime, keeping ourselves sane throughout our lives and more recently through this process. That is priceless.

Anthony and I will be home in a couple days – we are looking forward to some quiet routine, home cooked meals and catching up with friends. It feels like a lifetime since we left.

– Anne